Where I Belong?

Staying indoor most of the time is probably not the best idea, probably not when its time  to get started with your career, and guess what: that’s what I have been doing for three months long. On the other side of the palm, my college friends are consolidating their career in either of the big or small company within country. And some of them got scholarship for Master program (M.E) via Indian Embassy and that’s how they proved to be more scholar than me. Beside these all stuff something else was cooking up inside my mind. A horse of going abroad for the enhancement of my further studies was riding unstoppable, that’s what let me left doing nothing. Probably getting someway into guitar would be the right utilize of time rather letting it go unfruitful. And this could not only be the reason how I started my musical journey but I admit that this was the best reason which stand all over rest of them.

Staying indoor like a prisoner doesn’t mean that I am exhausted or frustrated or stuffs. However, I always have something to do to occupy my mind instead of letting a devil to rule all over it. Talking about some few years earlier there used to be something that bugged in my bed, something that used to eat me up inside and I used to cry my eyes out and the same phenomenon went up every single day for three years. Sobering up the same stuffs over and over again in my life causes me nothing but stress and than I realized I have much more responsibilities and stuffs that I am supposed to break through. Better late than never. I am not too old I guess.

Miss Y is the girl whom I have been dating for three months, few months ago but like friends because I was not cheating my so-called wife. It was a date after four years she told me. You know how girls keep the information regarding the dates and time. She told me that she used to remember me even though we were out of contact. She used to see all my posts and comments in facebook but don't know how because we were not friend there. She told me almost all my updates from the last world cup. Ya! I was Germany supporter. And many other stuffs which even I hardly remember. I was like damn shocked, how come she can remember those all. However, to find somebody following you that eagerly is also a matter to be happy. There were two things that I didn’t know which I wish I did. One, I was just pretending to be happy with her which I realize later. Sometime you pretend to be happy but actually you aren’t. The way you have to be happy is the way you want to be happy. But because of the same kind of mistake you repeat again and again you are messed up what you are supposed to do.  Next, she proposed me if I could marry her. I was out of my mind. I had never figure that out as since it was her age for the marriage and with the illusion that she got her love back she happened to propose me and that was not her fault. That day I was sobering up what really the word “Love” meant to be after that long.

About marriage I have to go back at 2009 August 08. The day I got married with “Kali”. I had never mulled over the fact that a guy like me could even think of settling down but the truth I speak here for the first time in life all my emotions and feelings were attached with Kali and that marriage. It was quite cheesy to wind her up with a worthless threadlike thing instead of a fancy ring or chain but that was all I could do so far feelings were concerned so I thought that would be enough. And this fact is the reason why I didn’t accept Miss Y's proposal. And she  recently got married with some other guy and I’m over that relation but Kali was still live in my memories maybe because she was quite eccentric to me.

Something really unexpected happened after she left Nepal our relation started staggering but don’t know because of what particular reason. I tried all the possible way to fix it up but there used to be no reply for that my anger used to cross the limit. My anger was a part of it that aid ruining up the relation but I always wanted it to be good I swear. There were no hard feelings about the fight I took them as normal and certainly the fights were a fluke but how come those all turned to be that serious. Ever since my love moved on and all my relentless efforts were just vain attempt, love has become a pain in my ass. But I know I still really love her. I have been remembering to forget her every single day for two years but you know I fail all the time. May it takes my last breath to overcome this.

I want her company that ends up with our last breath. All I want is the true love from the bottom of her heart. Growing up old in her lap is the dream that I ever dream. Sharing all ups and down, is how I have planned. Mutual trust, caring, sharing and listening is all that builds up a foundation of a relationship and this would be the cornerstone of our lifetime awesome relationship but that’s what unfortunately I couldn’t make it up. She was the girl I really wanted to be with I insist that. But however, she also turned out to be one of the scrap chapters in my notebook and a phantom so far.

It’s not like I am underestimating myself but maybe its damn true I have nothing more appealing to make girls stay around. No matter how hard I try, I loose it all the time doesn’t mean I am a goddamn looser. How can I let a girl’s approval to know who I am?

Sometime I guess I am a changed man and learned to rehabilitate and sustain like rest do accordingly. It sounds crazy, meanwhile I was watching the movie “50 FIRST DATES”, god I found my eyes wet that’s how I realize in case of love story full of emotions and feelings, I am especially vulnerable. Feelings are certainly not going to die inside me. I hope. And also I hope that something good going to happen sooner or later. “Hope is a good thing may be the best of things and no good thing ever dies.” is what I used to think. But someway the lessons of my fate taught me “Hope is a danger thing. It drives a man insane. It has nothing to do inside.” However, I am living to have a good hope, positive hope and I am totally optimistic.

Staying indoor, remembering the moments which really used to turn me on and pretending to make all the possible stupid reasons for the memories that let me down. The stupid jokes that I used to crack in between fellowship. Somebody told me that “Boys are like penis: soft, relaxed and hanging freely. And women make it hard.” I laugh for minutes and again my smiley goes out, I cry for minutes and finally pretend to be an angry man, singing and playing guitar simultaneously. Thanks god nobody peering at me and saying “see a mentally drained jackass living inside.” Or either behind my information some were peering whatever, I am trying to live up single.

“Get busy living or get busy dying” is another inspiring and motivating lesson that I learned indoor. So I started living in my own making some future plans. Some months of serious attention would probably going to give me a lifetime happiness that’s why I am somehow like isolated from all my relatives and so-called friends because I couldn’t enjoy their company. All of them were just like selfish monsters for me. I was trying to keep my life away from the prying eyes of anyone else out there, especially my family. I love my loneliness because I have started enjoying alone. I am not bragging but probably I am awesome alone. I can no longer pander in any other’s whim because I am the king of liberty.